College
Most of my time spent at the Reformed Theological Seminary during the summer Theological Foundations for Youth conference is blurred by the war that waged in my heart, but a few things stuck with me. One thing that impressed itself upon me was the importance of being part of a church in college. As I started to send applications and prepare for auditions, I looked for universities near a Reformed and Presbyterian church. I also decided at this time that I would study music education in order to have a serviceable degree in a field I would enjoy. Bible translation was still in the back of my mind, but I was more focused on singing and standardized tests. I decided on Wichita State partly because I would be able to graduate debt-free – a useful thing for either a teacher or a missionary. My parents and I packed the car and I moved from Stillwater, OK to Wichita, KS and started attending Trinity Reformed Church.
My freshman year was so much fun. I was in choir, an opera production, and made friends with a wonderful group of international students on my floor who quickly became my “brothers”. Sophomore year, things started to change. I cried all the time. I had little to no ability to regulate my emotions. Sometimes getting out of bed was impossible. Whenever I wasn’t crying, I slept. I even fell asleep onstage during an opera rehearsal. Classes were harder, yes, but not enough to explain this. I started having abdominal pains so intense that I couldn’t stand up. Being 18, I found it easiest to explain this as several bouts of food poisoning (really?) until I started bleeding for 18 days a month. My mom forced me to go to the doctor and I got a diagnosis a week later. Hormonal disorder and clinical depression. This explained the weight gain, the hair loss, the pain, and the emptiness.
The medicine was hard to figure out, and I went through several doses and types, battling self-harm thoughts and infections until my body finally adjusted. I learned two very important things about God. First, He did not design us to live in isolation but in a community. A lady from my church and several friends from school came alongside me and loved me. Second, everything that happens is for my best and His glory. I came through that bout of depression with a much greater awareness of other people and their suffering and much more conscious dependence on God. Since then, I have been able to counsel and comfort friends with depression or share my experiences with those who want to understand depression. And slowly, I started to heal.
My freshman year was so much fun. I was in choir, an opera production, and made friends with a wonderful group of international students on my floor who quickly became my “brothers”. Sophomore year, things started to change. I cried all the time. I had little to no ability to regulate my emotions. Sometimes getting out of bed was impossible. Whenever I wasn’t crying, I slept. I even fell asleep onstage during an opera rehearsal. Classes were harder, yes, but not enough to explain this. I started having abdominal pains so intense that I couldn’t stand up. Being 18, I found it easiest to explain this as several bouts of food poisoning (really?) until I started bleeding for 18 days a month. My mom forced me to go to the doctor and I got a diagnosis a week later. Hormonal disorder and clinical depression. This explained the weight gain, the hair loss, the pain, and the emptiness.
The medicine was hard to figure out, and I went through several doses and types, battling self-harm thoughts and infections until my body finally adjusted. I learned two very important things about God. First, He did not design us to live in isolation but in a community. A lady from my church and several friends from school came alongside me and loved me. Second, everything that happens is for my best and His glory. I came through that bout of depression with a much greater awareness of other people and their suffering and much more conscious dependence on God. Since then, I have been able to counsel and comfort friends with depression or share my experiences with those who want to understand depression. And slowly, I started to heal.
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